Slaying the Dragon of Trauma: Abusive Relationships
Learn from Alexia Eller, LMSW, an EMDR therapist and crisis therapist with experience working with crime victims and domestic violence support services.
When you think of intimate partner violence or domestic violence, you probably think of more extreme cases of physical assault resulting in a visible injury but the truth is, domestic violence has multiple layers. Intimate partner violence can be aggression or abuse within a romantic relationship. It can vary in what happens, how frequently it happens, and how severe the actions are, but nonetheless, it is terrible to endure.
I want you to consider questions you may have asked yourself when it comes to someone you are in a relationship with.
Have you ever thought that your partner seems to isolate you from your friends and family?
Have you ever changed your own behavior because you are scared of what your partner may say or do?
Has your partner ever held things over your head such as your possessions, your hobbies, your medical conditions, your children, etc.?
There are many different types of abusive and controlling behaviors, and I want you to be mindful of some of them.
So let’s explore some of the types of intimate partner violence.
I think it is important to discuss the types of intimate partner violence and give information on the different forms of intimate partner violence because many people do not view what occurs as “violence” because they do not have bruises or it feels common or normal.
Verbal and emotional - making threats towards you, your loved ones, or towards themselves, putting down the person by making them feel insignificant, playing mind games, and calling names.
Economic - preventing a person from getting a job, taking any money they receive, or making you ask for money. This can also include putting you in a financially more vulnerable position, like asking you to put your name on a rental lease, on the title of a car, on a personal loan or credit card, etc.
Physical - hurting another person by hitting, kicking or using another type of physical force or threat of force.
Stalking - the repeated pattern of unwanted attention and contact by the partner that may cause you to fear or concern for your safety. This can take a physical form or even a digital or online form.
Sexual - attempting to or forcing a partner to take part in a sexual act that they do not consent to, including forced pregnancies or coercion surrounding reproductive rights.
Throughout the United States, the CDC reports that about 41% and 26% of men experience one of these types of intimate partner violence during their lifetime. When it comes to experiencing domestic violence, there could be fear for your safety, injury, mental health symptoms, needing assistance from law enforcement, or being afraid to report to law enforcement and missing school or work due to the violence. (If you are interested in learning more about the statistics associated with domestic violence an its prevalence, The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource.)
If you are in a situation that resembles anything described above, I want you to know that there is a way out. The road might be rocky and there may be some obstacles to overcome, but the path can become clear with the right support and assistance. To prevent and protect yourself, if you notice any of these behaviors from a partner, take time to process what is happening and ask yourself questions. Most victims of domestic violence I know feel that the cycle will stop or at least slowdown, but you never know what may occur and your safety is your top priority.
If you could write a letter to your younger self, what would YOU say? What advice would you give when it comes to experiences you may have witnessed or experienced, would you speak to a safe person about what is happening? It is okay to forgive yourself and start healing.
If you are experiencing any of these types of abuse, I want you to know that you are not alone and there are resources out there for you to assist in helping you overcome your struggles. I listed below some of the local resources that I recommend if you are in this situation.
And if you are in need of help, here are some local resources to assist.
The Women’s Center of Tarrant County
And if you are looking for professional help in resolving the trauma caused by an abusive or unhealthy relationship, we are here to help. (Relationships do not have to meet the full criteria of the description above to leave lasting marks of trauma or emotional injury.) Our team includes trauma therapists trained in EMDR therapy, DBT therapy, and more who are equipped to help you on your road to healing. Connect with us through online therapy or in person at our Arlington, TX-based therapy office.
